Dreaming of Fear of Failure

I had a dream the other night that was horrible.

Four kids broke into our house and our neighbors' house. They stole everything-- appliances, furniture, art pieces, Beauty and the Beast (aka my Mac and printer-- sob), and our house was bare. I caught the kids as they were leaving. I even remember the license plate number of their car-- 6668666. (I know what some of you might interpret in those numbers, but I don't really play that game. Maybe my subconscious does?) I tried calling 911 three times and no one answered. While calling the cops, the kids returned and began stealing all of our potted plants and even started digging up the cherry blossom tree from our huge planter out front.

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At first, I thought this had to do with an overload of information I've been reading as of late about the surrounding neighborhoods and the spike of summer crimes that happens every year. Then in dawned on me-- it was about a whole lot more. Maybe it's my worry wart mind. I've written before about fear of failure, and I think this is what my dream was all about.

For the first time in six years, this month marks the start of my life without a regular paycheck. As I've ventured into my business full time, I've already shared some successes that I had not imagined would be possible. I've take some serious risks that have paid off. I believe in myself, but those risks were taken with the cushion of my last summer paychecks in the bank.

I have this awful underlying fear that I'll fail and that whatever I had hoped to accomplish will melt away and result in catastrophe. The irrational side of me visualizes a complete collapse-- having to sell all of our things and losing our house. You know, the whole living in a van down by the river thing. In reality, I know this won't happen. I know what I'm capable of in the pinching pennies department and if something horrible truly did happen, I'm resourceful enough that I think I'd be able to find a part time job or something.

Bottom line though? In these few short months of being self-employed, quite the opposite has been happening. I think I just need the reminder that being self-reliant doesn't always mean the end of the world. In fact, it most often rarely means that. It's quite the opposite, in fact. It means being more grounded in yourself. Now I just need to find the confidence in it all to know that my house won't end up stripped bare of all we have.

Do you have fears of failure too? How do you gain the confidence to overcome those fears?

Blogging Because I Want To

It seems that I haven't been a good blogger these days. I keep saying that, but what does that really mean anyway. I've had a lot of time to think instead and quite frankly it has brought me to the point of deciding that being a blogger doesn't have any rules. Why should I feel like I HAVE to blog? I want to blog because I want to, damn it, not because I HAVE to.

While I'm sure some of you awesome readers are probably annoyed with how infrequently and sporadically I've been posting lately, I've got news for you-- I don't care a whole lot and it feels pretty damn good! (That's probably no way to treat your readers, I suppose...oooops.) There is no reason why I should feel chained to this thing and so I've decided to do quite the opposite on many levels.

1) If I don't have anything to write about, then I just won't. I'm pretty sure you'd rather read something interesting than read something that sounds canned anyway.

2) I'm not hosting sponsors anymore. I start to feel like a washed up sell out when I have to promote others that I may not always back 100%. I'm promoting people I think are awesome on my sidebar just because I want to, and I'm eventually getting rid of the sponsor page when I have a chance to fix it from a blog design standpoint.

3) I will probably still post recipes and crap like that when I want to because I love food. So have no fear, yummy food will still show up in this space.

4) I will probably write about more stuff that is happening in my daily life and you'll probably continue to see shop updates because that's what consumes me most days.

5) It is quite possible that I may bore you. If that happens, just refer back to my burned butt post and know that as long as the weather is nice I am probably doing the same. Now, see item number 6.

6) I am writing with paper and ink again. On my roof deck. It's just how I work.

7) Ok, I think you get the point.

Either way. Today I felt like blogging because I wanted to. I figured I'd start with this because it made most sense. There will be other posts coming because I am feeling inspired again. However, I will warn that it is also quite possible this space may be quiet for a while too as I venture to other parts of the world for a few weeks. Don't worry, I think I can get myself together enough as a blogger to share about that when I return.

As for you, do you feel as though you HAVE to blog. Or do you blog only when you want to? Does hosting sponsors make you feel as icky as it makes me feel?